My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
