Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
