My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I just found a bag of teeth...
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
