high people should be assigned attendants
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize