you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
