I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
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