Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
