Why are handjobs necessary in class?
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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