so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
