Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I didn't notice because vodka
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
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