Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
