Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
