omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
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