sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
