how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
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