he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
