My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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