I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
