Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
