Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
