I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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