Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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