all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
We need to get me chipped asap
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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