we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
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