I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Randomize
