I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
