It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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