nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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