just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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