hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
