I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
