White coat. Heels.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
