final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
