i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Randomize