you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
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