i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
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