Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
