Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
