If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
