It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
