Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
