Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
