remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
