I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Randomize
