mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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