At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
