I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Randomize
