i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
