you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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