she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
