Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
