I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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