I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I want to fling myself into the sun
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
