The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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