i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Oh and itβs been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! ππππ¬π³π
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