"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
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