he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
we're so committed to being not committed
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
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