Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
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