He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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