3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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