remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
