I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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